Saturday, March 6, 2010

Stepping Away

I stepped away from it deliberately, and it stung. I’ve got a big, stupid, sticky heart that gets attached stupidly and too easily. It’s a personality flaw. Nobody’s fault but mine. All it takes is for a woman to show me some kind of sincere kindness, to treat me like I’m not a leper, and I become pathetically infatuated. At least I’m aware of it, and do a reasonable job of keeping it under control. After all, I am married, and I do love my wife immensely. We swing, but it’s not exactly an open arrangement. It doesn’t allow for rampant, unrestrained infidelity. We only swing under very controlled circumstances, with each other’s approval of the other’s new partner. My wife would never approve of me hooking up with a co-worker. There’s too much constant exposure and too much danger for emotional attachment. Nothing has even happened, and I already have an emotional attachment. Besides, it’s a hell of a leap to expect a woman to make, to believe that my wife and I have this sort of arrangement, and that it would be okay. I’ve miscalculated that jump before. I just learned that the Blond is actually single. So I helped connect her with one of my friends. They’re both great people, and should make a great couple. She was probably going to pursue him regardless, and I don’t think that she was ever attracted to me. So it doesn’t matter how I feel about it. I have no right to her. She’s always been very kind to me though, and she’s absolutely beautiful. So it stings. She asked for my opinion of him first. I really appreciate that. I like knowing when somebody holds my opinion in high esteem. I gave him an honest endorsement, and I went to happy hour with them both after work. I was an awkward, nervous wingman. They were talking when I left. Off like a band-aid. I’m sure they’ll be great together.

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