Saturday, April 10, 2010
I was riding home drunk. My wife drove. She was the straight one that night. She’s the straight one every night. There are a few routes home, and we picked the wrong one. There must have been a game or something that had just let out. So we had to deal with the traffic. We were moving slowly, but steadily following a trail of red tail lights into the horizon, like a giant bright red dog dick penetrating the late spring night. Once home, Chalupa, our little Chihuahua, had to be taken outside. She always has to be taken out right before bedtime. I volunteered to do this, since my wife had done all the driving. We entered the house through the garage, and I got the dog and went out the side door through the kitchen. We stood there. She played and ate grass, and we enjoyed the cool night air. Eventually she peed. I felt great at 1am, in my yard, in the cool night air, with my dog. It was a beautiful moment. I was blissfully unconcerned with anything painful. I had to pee, but I didn’t want to go back in the house yet. I wanted more of the night air. So I thought I’d just piss into some large shrubs. They’re very large and conceal you completely on two sides when you’re behind them. The house hides you on the other side, and the only other side is the backyard which ends in a thick line of tall trees. Nobody can really see you without making a deliberate effort to do so. At 1am I figured this was a safe gamble. This would be the first purpose the goddamn shrubs had served, other than creating hassle for me when mowing the yard. The dog was completely ignoring me, playing with some leaves about six feet away. So I pulled out my dick and begin to piss into the shrubs. It felt great to let them know how I felt about them. My beautiful evening was getting even better. I felt empowered, like I was voting. Voting against the goddamned shrubs that I never wanted! At this point the dog regained interest in me, as my urine stream was loudly raining upon the shrubs and ground. I yelled at her, “No! Get away!” as I spun around madly, trying to keep my piss away from her. I began to wish that I hadn’t drunk so much, not because I was drunk, but because I had a lot of piss to release and I couldn’t stop releasing it. I wished I hadn’t drunk so much as I spun around like a six foot tall, yelling lawn sprinkler.