Saturday, August 8, 2009

Apartment Bathroom

The toilet in our apartment was backed up. We only had one bathroom, and the toilet in it was clogged beyond plunging. We notified the landlord that evening, and he said that he’d be by with a snake the next day around 8am. He would let himself in. Fair enough. The only problem is that I’m out the door for work by 7:30am. Generally, I need to shit before I leave for work. It’s one of the first things I do when I wake up. This immediately concerned me and I tried planning for this fast-approaching eventuality. I suppose I could have used a neighbor’s toilet, but I didn’t know any of them well. So I went to bed without a plan, simply hoping that all would be well in the morning. It wasn’t. I was able to hold it until my wife made it out the door for work, but it was clear that I’d need to shit before leaving. The toilet was still out of commission. So I grabbed a bunch of newspapers that we were about to pitch and spread them out on the linoleum bathroom floor. I removed my pants and braced myself with my hands on the side of the bathtub. I squatted and took a big shit. Two massive turds fell from my ass to the newspapers on the bathroom floor. I wiped, folded up the newspapers around the offending items, and dropped them into a plastic grocery bag. I tied it in a knot, put my pants back on, washed my hands, walked the bag out to the garbage cans beside our place, and drove off to work.

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