Today

Today is a large, soft, warm, motherly old woman. She has no expectations and will impose no obstacles for you. Today you will not be measured or examined. Today smells like baked goods and fresh laundry. Today will be gentle and considerate. You won’t have to scramble. You won’t have to produce. You won’t have to focus. Nobody will ask you for anything. There will be no heavy lifting. There will be no examination. Today there will only be abatement.

The Queen of Pittsburgh

I almost hit the queen of Pittsburgh with my car yesterday. She stepped suddenly out from between two parked cars. I swerved, and she didn’t even notice. She looked like she was 28 going on 40, and had matted, greasy, blond hair. She was wearing actual fucked up, old, torn jeans, not expensive, fake vintage jeans, and a blue plaid flannel shirt underneath a brown satin baseball jacket. There were bags under her eyes and a cigarette in her mouth. At least that’s what I could tell in the quarter of a second that I saw her. She just kept walking across the street like nothing had happened.

The Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers are retarding the city of Pittsburgh. This city cannot evolve until it lets go of the 1970s. Somebody needs to plan an intervention for the whole fucking city and disband the team or send them elsewhere, at least for a while. This is not a commentary on the team itself, or the members of it, but a commentary on our city’s bad case of plot-loss. The same way an alcoholic can’t get his life back together until he gets off the bottle, Pittsburgh can’t get its act together until the Steelers are gone. We need to grow beyond football. For the past 30 years, it’s all we’ve had or cared about.

My Saint

I’ve got a girl, thin and pretty. Sounds like a Fender Strat. She’s tall and lean with small tits, as white as the state of Maine. Long, straight, thick brown hair, and lots of patience. She’s signed up for the whole thing, for life. She’s signed up for the good, the bad, the really bad, and the utterly fucking shameful. She’s not a girl, she’s a saint.

Parking Spaces

One thing to keep in mind with parking spaces is that you can only park in one at a time. You can only fill one vacancy in any given moment. Certainly some parking spaces are nicer than others. Some aren’t necessarily nicer, just different. Some are worth circling the block a few times to get into. Some already have money in the meter when you get there. Some are carpeted with broken glass and rusty nails. Some you occupy for quite some time, some very briefly. There are parking spaces that you’ll try to protect by setting up cones or chairs, because you feel that you are entitled to them or own them. But you don’t, and it won’t work, and you’ll find some asshole in your space. Sometimes you’ll jump around from one space to another, and sometimes you won’t be able to find a space at all, not even to save your godforsaken life. Sometimes you’ll just want to park your car in the fucking river.