Drunk Grandmas

At the next table sat three round, grandmotherly-looking older women. Not ancient, but substantially over 50. They were talking about their retirement plans. They were talking about their professional lives and careers. They were clearly all educated and well-paid. They were talking about their kids who were graduating from college, now looking for work. The conversation led into their kids’ relationships. They were very frank about it all. Who their kids were involved with, and for what reasons. It was funny to hear. Then that lead into stories about their own sex lives from when they were younger. Speaking loudly, they may have been slightly drunk. They were all very happy to have been the right age during that ten-year gap between the advent of the birth control pill and AIDS. Apparently, everybody got very laid back then. One of them used to routinely fuck the painter that was repainting her house. All night long and very well, from what I heard. The other was twice divorced, and one of her ex-husbands was very proud of how well he knew how to use his tongue. She was recently fired from her job, and enjoying the unemployment checks. Right on! I know what that’s about. The other woman laughed quite a bit, and only contributed occasionally, but mostly tried to quiet down the other two.

An Ordinary Crucifixion – No. 8

The past few weeks we’ve been going to puppy classes at PetsMart, every Wednesday evening. The girls that work there are all very nice and friendly, and they love our dog. We’re always greeted on our way in. One girl seems to especially like our dog. She’s as big as a house, maybe two. Her smile is somehow even bigger. She’s a lovely, kind, gently smiling girl who gushes for cute little dogs. A more wonderful person you’ve never met. Every week, we enjoy seeing her and talking with her. At one point, she disappeared for two weeks. Afterwards, we saw her at the store again, not working. She was buying stuff and had her dog with her. It was a female and looked to be a Rottweiler and Labrador mix, pretty dog. It was very friendly and very excited. The girl was happy to see us. She explained with visible struggle that she hadn’t been around for the past two weeks because her boyfriend had passed away. The dog had been drowning in a lake, and he jumped in to save the dog. However, he ended up drowning in the process. The dog didn’t appear to understand the weight of that. The girl did, though. It was carved into her face. Now she’s got this dog to herself, and eventually it’ll die. And when it does, it’ll open that injury back up. I wanted so badly to help, but didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have any words that would make it any lighter.

Stepping In Poop

There’s never going to be any shortage of poop. I don’t think we’ll ever run out of that. It’ll be in abundance as long as we’re around. There can be no doubt that everybody, and in fact every living animal, produces it constantly, and you can’t get rid of it fast enough. Once you’ve stepped in it, you’ll never get it sufficiently cleaned off. It clings to shoes and feet like a space-age adhesive. If only it weren’t so repugnant, and had some practical application or monetary value, it might not be such a problem.

Second Tail

Sometimes our dog shits in the house. There is newspaper set out for just such occasions. We try to discourage shitting in the house, but it’s better on the newspaper than on the carpet. One evening we were both sitting on the couch, watching TV. At one point Chalupa assumed the shitting posture, and began to slowly work out a turd nowhere near the newspaper. My wife saw this happening, and immediately began to reprimand the dog, while getting up off the couch. She was going to rush her outside to finish shitting outside. That’s how they learn. Unfortunately my wife’s reflexes are not very quick. Chalupa is much quicker, and thought my wife was calling her. She started running toward her, in mid-shit. My wife screamed in mortal terror as our dog ran across the floor to her, a turd wagging from her ass like a second tail. My wife was instantly paralyzed on the couch, shrieking in fear and disgust. Right as Chalupa leaned back on her hind legs to jump up onto her, the turd fell onto the carpet. I laughed hard at the two of them as I got a tissue and got up to remove the offending item. They’re perfect for each other.

Dog Dick Red and the Yelling Lawn Sprinkler

I was riding home drunk. My wife drove. She was the straight one that night. She’s the straight one every night. There are a few routes home, and we picked the wrong one. There must have been a game or something that had just let out. So we had to deal with the traffic. We were moving slowly, but steadily following a trail of red tail lights into the horizon, like a giant bright red dog dick penetrating the late spring night. Once home, Chalupa, our little Chihuahua, had to be taken outside. She always has to be taken out right before bedtime. I volunteered to do this, since my wife had done all the driving. We entered the house through the garage, and I got the dog and went out the side door through the kitchen. We stood there. She played and ate grass, and we enjoyed the cool night air. Eventually she peed. I felt great at 1am, in my yard, in the cool night air, with my dog. It was a beautiful moment. I was blissfully unconcerned with anything painful. I had to pee, but I didn’t want to go back in the house yet. I wanted more of the night air. So I thought I’d just piss into some large shrubs. They’re very large and conceal you completely on two sides when you’re behind them. The house hides you on the other side, and the only other side is the backyard which ends in a thick line of tall trees. Nobody can really see you without making a deliberate effort to do so. At 1am I figured this was a safe gamble. This would be the first purpose the goddamn shrubs had served, other than creating hassle for me when mowing the yard. The dog was completely ignoring me, playing with some leaves about six feet away. So I pulled out my dick and begin to piss into the shrubs. It felt great to let them know how I felt about them. My beautiful evening was getting even better. I felt empowered, like I was voting. Voting against the goddamned shrubs that I never wanted! At this point the dog regained interest in me, as my urine stream was loudly raining upon the shrubs and ground. I yelled at her, “No! Get away!” as I spun around madly, trying to keep my piss away from her. I began to wish that I hadn’t drunk so much, not because I was drunk, but because I had a lot of piss to release and I couldn’t stop releasing it. I wished I hadn’t drunk so much as I spun around like a six foot tall, yelling lawn sprinkler.